Hi my names Jane Doe and I suck at titles

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Hi guys, I’m not an expert in anything and I’m definitely not special in anyway. I’m just your average Jane Doe. There’s not really much you need to know about me but here are a few bullet points

  • I’m a 23 almost 24 year old college graduate working in a factory because rents expensive and my diploma doesn’t pay for shit.
  • I curse a lot, sorry!
  • I suck at spelling and grammar, again sorry.
  • I am blind without glasses and I can’t juggle to save my life.
  • I’ve been diagnosed with depression, whoooopee still not special.
  • The counsellor I saw said I have all the classic symptoms of social anxiety. Go me (and a million other people)  taking socially awkward to a clinical level.
  • I was raped and I’m fucked up about it.
  • I don’t like chocolate or peanut butter but damn Reese peanut butter cups are orgasmic.

So that was a fun little ice breaker, right? My story isn’t really special and that is exactly why I want to try this. I may be a statistic BUT I’M WAY TO FUCKING COMMON. The world is full of broken and fucked up people, and we hide behind fake faces while inside we’re drowning because we can’t go up to a friend and blow up all our shit because we’re petrified they don’t want to know. Or that they’ll judge us. Or that this huge thing we can’t deal with is laughable to them. Or why can’t we just suck it up like they can. Or what the fuck ever.

Honestly I don’t expect a lot of people will ever even see this let alone read through all my posts. Hey maybe no one will, and it’ll just be an extremely public therapeutic journaling  exercise that gets lost in the masses. That’s all cool. But maybe one person will stumble in it and go “hey, I’m fucked up and don’t know how to handle my shit either. Fuck yea, I’m not alone”. Only they’ll probably think it way better then I just wrote it. That’s something I think this world needs though, I think we need to see more of each others ugly and stop hiding behind social media perfection which I feel only further isolates us all when we actually are struggling.

So I got to be up at 4am for work and can’t risk being late because I’m in charge of cake for a coworkers bday. Totally don’t feel like I was a good choice for that task cause I almost dropped it in the store about 20 feet from the bakery section. But cake. So not getting into any hard hitting symptoms of my own personal crazy.

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What you did

I hate that I keep trying

And I hate that I want to quit

I hate that I cant trust

Because I wasted it all on you

I hate myself for being so stupid

But I hate you more for what you did

I hate that I cant sleep

And I hate how sometimes I cant even breathe

I hate that how when it happened

Your ghost didn’t haunt me

Four years gone

I hate you for being locked in my head

I hate that I cant let go

So I’ll never again be free

I hate that I’m crying at one in the morn

And you’re out there sleeping easy

Hollaback

You had me
Consumed all of my happy
Stole the sun from my sky
Every day i stayed
You drowned me in grey
I set myself free
Ran far away

You had me
Blamed me for my broken soul
Shattered my confidence
Every day i stayed
You drowned me in grey
I pulled myself up
Ran far away

Both of you
Only valued what i gave
Both of you
Try to pull me back
Like crabs in a bucket
You see me on the edge

He doesnt want me
But you wont risk my escape
Try to pull me down in

You both had me
Broke me down in hidden ways
All damage in repair
Every day i stayed
You drowned me in grey
You can’t have me
Im far away

Just Maybe

Maybe I’m broken

From all those unfelt I love you’s

All those lies you told

Unbalanced by love

 

Maybe I’m broken

From all those insulting compliments

Every burning if only you

Why’d I ever listen

 

Maybe I’m broken

From each time you didn’t listen

Didn’t your momma teach you

No means no

 

Yeah maybe just maybe

I let each of you break me

Gave you power over me

Paralysed by fear

 

Maybe I’m broken

Chemical imbalance in the mainframe

Just a little mentally ill

Pass the serotonin

 

But sugar not so sweet

Broken doesn’t mean beat

Waking Terror

Out of control

All used up

head spinning faster then my mind

the world shifting

tilting away

imprisoned in my own mind

curling up

animal instincts

trying to protect my heart

vicious attack

screams try to bubble out

as a predator stalks my mind

the world falls away

and I am lost to fear

how can you defend against the incorporeal

frozen in time

unable to breath

I spiral

longing to be saved

wishing to be caught up

desperate for escape

for distraction

a laugh

a warm embrace

something to melt the ice in my bones

to ease the vice around my lungs

to unlock  the cage around my mind

to free me from what hunts me

salvation

Poorly Rehearsed

It’s strange you know

how I could see it coming

each casual touch predictable

such an easy trap

a common game

yet I couldn’t steer away

you know its funny

no excitement

no craving

not even a measly butterfly

goose flesh followed your fingers

but your lips against mine

felt empty

mechanically accurate

your every action precise

you took my hand

leading me down a spiraled path

tricked down tumblers trail so often

my feet dance ahead along the way

you return now where you belong

and empty alone I sit to feel

feel your poison spread

its sad you know

this poison eats your soul

knowing it you play these games

don’t be mistook

I shoulder blame and guilt equal

don’t know how much more must be absorbed

before you see

more worrisome is what shape

what shape you choose

will you twist guilt to self loathing

spiral in on yourself

will you become the man who broke you

will you let her win

please don’t shatter, don’t twist yourself

you’ll break before me

save yourself the hurt

 

 

Hey guys, as you may or may not have been able to guess I’m not the best judge of character and frequently find myself tangled up with people who for better or worse are working through this world with a broken compass. Now sometimes these people are well and truly lost on roads too dark for me to fathom and they’re the storm clouds hovering over some of my other posts. Most people are just a little fucked up and they do little fucked up things same as you and me. I’ve had some time off lately and as per usual time alone in my own head means I am spending entirely too much time in my own head thinking things. And as I was always warned thoughts lead to ideas and those are a hell of a thing to control so ideas spiral into actions and consequences follow not to be left out.

I guess I’m somewhat of a magnet and attract the same kind of people repeatedly, which given some of the people whose attention I’ve caught in the past is worrisome but mostly means I eventually notice patterns. I tend to group people in my mind based on patterns and put them into little boxes together because once I know someones patterns its easier to know the correct approach to interacting with them. . . kind of like knowing to avoid talking religion and politics around certain friends and family because its better to hold the peace then it is to repeat the same argument every time you see them. I found a pattern today, in a unexpected place. Bitter sweet as many things are but it made me see something I’ve missed in the past. Of course looking at the past tends to bring upheaval to the present and right now I’m left wondering why people gamble. I always take the gamble with people, always believe the absolute best out of them but the more you are proved wrong the more you stop believing your own thoughts and the less faith you have. So why do I gamble when I have no faith I will win.

Time

Time was I knew myself

I had passion for life

Time is I am a stranger to myself

I’ve forgotten how to live

Time will be again

That life courses through me

But time’s a fickle master

bending and twisting around

slipping away without warning

leading life through a waltz

spinning and twirling away

Space

I hate this me

trapped in the corner

on the attack

fear making me dream of violence

that girl out there

all thunder and lightning

she keeps me prisoner

here in the eye

paralyzed I watch chaos rains down

Candlelight Dance

Its a honey gold glow

dancing to the beat of the universe

its a warm embrace

pulsing in time to your loves heart

its a sugar sweet kiss

whispering down to lovers lane

its you and me babe

running cross the field in neverland

its your hearts desire

leading the way to another

Sinful

what you are

mesmerizing pull

removing caution and fear

inch by inch corruption consumes

sensation overload

poison creeping through veins

demoralizing

 

Today Sucked

I know what a broken heart feels like and I get that it hurts in ways nothing else does, but that doesn’t mean you get to use my rape as ammunition for your hissy fit.

 

Every day at work I sit in a car to eat my lunch, I never go to eat in an actual lunch room because there’s too much drama. Sometimes friends eat with me. I thought nothing of it when a friend swung into a car to eat his lunch with me, and I thought nothing of it when I got a sideways hug from him because I was having a pretty crummy day. Just one of those days where you’re tired and cranky. Hugs cheer me up, and I go around and ask friends for them whenever i’m having a bad moment or bad day because sometimes, sometimes that small amount of human contact is enough to turn things around.

Today though. Today that hug landed me in a world of bullshit. See this “friend” of mine says she’s in love with this fella who I ate lunch with. She’s been on about it for ages and while I get heartbreak it has sucked to have to listen to constantly because he’s my friend too. See they aren’t talking right now, reasons vary depending which you ask and that’s whatever, every story has multiple sides to it.

Since they aren’t talking i’m apparently supposed to either not be his friend oooor spy on him and report back like some grade three nonsense. Now. when all this shit started and I landed in the middle because I suffer from foot in mouth disease she was freaking, bound and determined she was going to RUIN his entire life. Spread rumors at work, feed his dad a bunch of lies, try and convince his girlfriend he was cheating, ruin every aspect of his life in every conceivable way. So I convinced her not to because I don’t believe in revenge, all it does is bring more hurt and it solves nothing. To convince her though I had to walk a line I’m not proud of and maybe there was a better thing to do but I’m not good with people and all i could think to do was convince her to let me pull that trigger. See what i thought was that if I kept up with the bashing your girlfriends enemy bs and if I told her that I’d send any “inappropriate” messages from him to his girlfriend then he’d be safe.

well I’ve got nothing to say to his girlfriend and even if I did I don’t believe ruining someones happiness out of vengeance is beneficial to anyone.

Apparently my “friend” saw me and buddy eating lunch together or someone told her or I don’t even know. I just know that she lost it at buddy, and wrote me off as a friend because we ate lunch together. Which I had to find out third party.

I called her out. We argued. And she threw her knowledge of my rape in my face as if somehow, in any possible interpretation of events my perceived betrayal of her equates to having my body and my voice stolen. There was no need to bring it up except to try and hurt me and good god do I hurt.

It was just lunch and if she’d asked me about it I would have told her.